I have found the perfect time to write. I am more inspired right now then I have been in a while. The past couple of days have helped me to put my thoughts in perspective. It was a friend of mine's birthday and it was great to see her. I also realized what my place is with some of my friends.

In a previous post, I spoke about alcohol causing a friend to say something to me I didn't want to hear. This occurance has happened two more times since that day. Every one of my closest friend has said something to me upseting with the help of alcohol. I'm left to understand why I'm getting this comments, especially in a state of mind that's emotional. I would love to be unrealistic and act like it was alcohol induced and meant nothing to me. But I would be lying. I would be lying if I didn't think my friends were trying to put me in my place. I like to think I'm not overconfident, but maybe I am. Maybe that's my problem.

I watched a movie tonight with a friend. As I watched I attempted to paint a picture for my friend's birthday. Well, the painting turned out like chicken scratch. And it was upseting. And even better. When I told a couple people I was painting, they informed me of their talents. Do you ever feel like your individual characteristics are belittled because others have them? Does that make sense? I've found I surround myself with people like myself, I know that's what we all do. But I get frustrated because I never feel like I have anything that sets me apart. And if you are reading, please don't misconstruew this for what it's not. I'm not asking for comments telling me I'm great or whatever. I am just aggravated that I can't find my niche. I'm aggravated that I have become what I always didn't want to become. I've become "that" friend. I've become the friend everyone tries to hook up. I've become the friend that understands a lot of different experiences and can give that advice and support. I've become that friend that no longer lives what they say. I've become the friend that is on the backburner. I've become the friend that is always receiving suggestions about what I should be doing.

I'm in a funk as you can tell. I got off work and slept for three hours. I woke up not knowing what day it was, then trying to decide if I even wanted to get up. I sat in bed thinking about the passing of certian friendshps. I sat wondering (like I always do) what the point was. Why believe what others say when they do something else? Why believe certian situations are what they aren't? It's stupid really. I do know what's best for myself and right now I know it's to be alone. Not that I have prospects to hit off with a stick but you know what I mean.

Sometimes I get tried of people telling me I'm wonderful or great or whatever. It gets old when I really feel I don't reep the rewards of such comments. I love that my friends are so supportive of me, please don't misunderstand that. I'm just upset. I'm upset that some of you will read and probably think I'm being ridiculous. I hope, you, whoever you are, reading, can just read this. And take it for what it's worth. Don't think less of me. I just need to get my thoughts out.

My nerves have gotten the best of me so much that I'm sick. By the way, why say you are there when you really aren't? I hate that about people sometimes. If you can't be there, don't say you are. It makes it worse when you say you are there and you aren't. I would rather you not say anything and go on with life as you do. It's much better not being lied to. It's much better having reality to deal with, not misconceptions. But I know, life is full of misconceptions. Your view of this blog, I'm sure is a misconception of what it really is.

I don't want to be 35 and alone by the way. How do I let myself just live? How do I let myself just dance like no one is watching? I can't help that I'm worried about meeting someone. I was naive in my last relationship and then my brief encounter next taught me more, that I am in over my head. Relationship talk is dumb. It's mindless.

Oh yeah, something stupid... I was told I looked 19 today. I know when I'm thirty I will love to hear that but right now I hate when people say stuff like that. Or for instance, at a party a couple weeks ago, a 30 year old was like "are you old enough to drink" as their friends laughed. Do these people get off demeaning others? Maybe. Maybe they just don't think before they talk. I guess I have such a big problem with my age, because being so young, I feel like I'm never taken seriously. I feel like I don't have the right to understand life cause I've only lived 21 years. If I were to die tomorrow, I believe there is a lot to say about my life. Don't discount me because of my age. Being 25 or 30 or whatever doesn't mean you've lived more. Believe me, I've lived.

I have no idea where I'm going here this early morning. I know that I want answers. I know that I want a vacation. Why is it that I get overwhelmed with my life as if it's so dramatic? Cause it's really not.

I miss my Grandma. I feel like I am lucky to have her wild spirit.