I just took down this post but I've decided this is my blog. So I've reposted it and deleted a couple sentences. I am removing myself.

It's only words. It's only words. That's what I keep telling myself. It doesn't mean anything. They don't mean the words they say. Get over it, it's not like this is the first time. It's not like they know what they are saying to me. I'm soooo over competition and jealously. Mostly jealously I guess. Jealously stems from competition. Maybe jealously is the wrong term, maybe it's a combination of emotions. Whatever it is, it's a wasted emotion. Also, the act of letting someone tell you how you are supposed to feel is also a waste. You'll have to excuse my bad attitude, a combination of events has led to my distaste for things. But like my mom said it's my life. It's my life and I am happy with me. I wouldn't want to switch places with anyone. I wouldn't want to "erase" anything I've done. So I wonder. I wonder why people dig into others to make themselves feel better? I wonder why people choose to believe things are a "certain" way when they are not. I wonder why people choose to be so selfish and when things go their way they are on top of the world. It's a freaking two faced world we live in! And I suppose we all are players in the stupid game. There are no winners in this game though. I wish some people would realize that. Cheap shots will never help you score.

There are some feelings I have right now that I wish I didn't. A friend. I wish he would let me in again. I know I've screwed up but I wish he would realize that he is just wasting his time. We can't pretend to be better than we really are. There is nothing wrong with how we are. We also can't pretend it's over. Because it's not. Another friend. I wish that you would stop saying hurtful words and start being supportive. There is no race to be won here. And to myself. I wish that all these things didn't bother me as much as they do. I wish that can let go because in the end it means nothing. I suppose it's only natural to feel this way.

But to be honest, I am very happy with everything I have. I have healthy family and friends. I have a great career ahead of me. I have a great place to live. I have faith that gets me through and I have tons of people in my life that love me. My brothers have found the loves of their lives. And that is sooo wonderful. I have found a new hobby with Leslie. I finally feel like I can work out regularly and not be judged. Things are good. I apologize for my lashing out. It helps to write it down. It helps to know people like Jessie know exactly what I'm talking about. It helps to know other people feel this way about other things in their lives. We are all human. And everyday is a just a matter of getting through what happened the day before. Or is it just a matter of getting through what will happen tomorrow?

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On a lighter note: I'm growing tomatoes on my balcony. Yummy!! Turns out finding a plant for my desk at work it a lot harder than you would think! It's just a plant! I know! Hope everyone has a fantastic week. It's supposed to rain. BOO!